Vulnerability

Saturday yoga was led by an instructor who calls himself ‘Truth’.  During the session he reflected on how these days we no longer give ourselves any chance of “being bored”.  Yes, he mentioned the study about how we check our phones 150 times a day; when we’re just waiting for a red light to turn, an appointment to show up, a meal to be served… any time we’ve got seconds to spare.

And he speaks the truth (hehe).  He says he’s tried in the past week to really be bored.  To allow himself to be vulnerable.  I thought that was beautiful.

To stop distracting ourselves with the fast pace of this world we live in.  To catch ourselves from the deafening mind chatter we bombard ourselves with.  To just be in this moment, to feel, to observe within.

Ah how I have missed this spiritual side of yoga.  Peace, love, serenity. 💗

But that wasn’t all.  On the same day I met this interesting character at a dinner party who pushed me to an uncomfortable zone that left ME feeling vulnerable!  He insisted I knew the answers and coaxed me into exposing what I thought and felt but weren’t SURE about.  Took some reflection on the next day for me to realise I rarely say things that I wasn’t sure about, because I don’t like leaving myself vulnerable.  I never like guessing games, and I don’t like to think out loud if there’s a chance I could be wrong.

But why am I so scared?  Is it because I’m afraid of being judged?  Is it a fear of being wrong?  Or am I still uncomfortable giving people access to the side of me that I didn’t choose to present – hence the vulnerability?

Then I realised perhaps I am less open than I thought.  My openness was conditional – I was only open when I could predict how it would be perceived.  I allow people to see what I could control, but beyond that I keep to myself.  Another wall I’ve built, to be strong, to withstand the pressures and the possible pain that life may bring.

Is it time that I learn to be more vulnerable?  I think yes.  Rather than becoming harder and stronger, perhaps what I need is the opposite…  To be more fluid, transparent, and accepting of whatever sharpness that comes my way.

和石頭的堅硬比起, 如流水般柔軟才能夠承受一切而不留一絲痕跡.  我想脫下我的硬殼, 學著接納生命中的尖銳和波動.  面對挑戰的我只會越來越豐富, 越來越飽滿  : )

Inspired.