It’s so easy to get stuck in the negative, to dwell in the victim mentality and choose to hide in being irresponsibily indulgent in sadness, pain and self-pity (yes some call it wallowing). I may even use it as an excuse to be reckless, using alcohol, sleep or sex to numb the intense emotions.
It’s times like this the wishful thinking sets in; if only someone can come and yank me out of this sticky, gooey swamp of misery. And oh how I got lost in that train of thought. But at the end of the day I had to gather enough strength to remember: I am the most qualified expert of my own happiness. I have my own wings to fly me away from the deep dark entanglement of negativity. The only person who can set me free, is me.
Seems so simple when it’s written down in words, but it took heart wrenching awareness and brutal honesty to get back to here. I think this time around, I needed to remember to be gentle with myself. Be kind, and admit my weaknesses. It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to embrace my dark side. As long as I know where to draw the line… I know I’ll bounce back.
So I’ll remember to be grateful for all the amazing things in life, and I’ll appreciate the parts of me I worked so hard to form. I’ll make time to enjoy the things that bring me joy. And I’ll dress up to look my best. I’ll go see the movies I want to see, even if it’s on my own. I’ll dance the night away. I’ll treat myself with the good food and wine. Most of all, I’ll make sure I give myself time to reflect, breathe, and heal.
The struggle is, I know I am a person of extremes. With me there’s only ever two modes: it’s either radiant sunshine or catastrophic destruction; it’s absolute discipline or complete indulgence; it’s love or indifference; it’s all or nothing.
So no, I can’t have mediocrity. I will never settle for less than soul crushing. For I am a phoenix who will rise from burnt ashes. I am a super-saiyan, extreme trauma required for transformation. I am a diamond in formation, the more pressure I endure, the more precious I’ll become.
The universe will only pose challenges you are worthy of facing. So come at me with the anguish and pain. I’ll keep bleeding till I leak only light.
The physical environment is a manifestation of our mental state.
So I guess all these years I’ve been going at it wrong. Hard as I try, I still own far-too-many possessions that follow an organised chaos, taking up space, time and endless-effort. I now realise it was all because of this one important concept I missed.
Decluttering, really starts in the mind.
You need to purge attachments, re-examine values, and make space for what’s to come.
In the next month or two, I intend to move out of the family house which I’ve lived in for almost 13 years. Many people have come and gone over the years, but I’m now the only one responsible for all the junk and crap we’ve accumulated over the years. Furniture that we inherited from the previous TWO dwellings; abandoned room full of my brother’s EVERYTHING; tools and junk left by my grandparents; and books. SO EFFIN MANY BOOKS. This is on top of my own shit that I’ve managed to hoard since before I started making money.
Tackling this has been a hugely overwhelming, yet somehow exciting experience. Overwhelming, because of the sheer volume of STUFF I need to go through. Exciting, because this great purge of 2015 is opening me up to a whole new life without clutter. (Yes I’m an optimist)
This process of purging has been a journey down some dusty forgotten memory lanes. I found physical reminders that triggered memories of things I used to do, and people I used to know. It forced me to revisit lessons I learnt the hard way. There are mistakes that I choose NOT to think about for a reason. On the flip-side, it also reminded me of how far I’ve come.
You realise how much you’ve changed, when you read through your old diaries and feel like you’re invading someone else’s privacy. The trivial things that teenage-me used to care about. The negativity and insecurities that lurked between the pages. The life goals that have since been achieved, internalised, and long forgotten. And the boys. Oh-so-many boys that have been in and out of my mind/life. Ones that have changed me in fundamental ways; and ones written in code names that I can’t decipher for the life of me.
Then I realised how absurd it is to hold on to these mementos of the past. For me, it’s enough that I got here. The details of how – no longer carry weight. It certainly humbles me to remember my beginnings and my struggles… Yet it is empowering to be able to let it all go (cue Elsa).
So goodbye my past. Thank you for equipping me with all that I need for the great adventures ahead. World, here I come!
Let go of the fear of being vulnerable and soften…
There is no need to hold on.
Embrace with compassion.
Quiet the need to define, just accept.
Let this moment manifest to its fullest.
To open your eyes well rested.
To realise it’s five minutes before the alarm goes off.
To know you’re alone, but not lonely.
To be vibrating with energy, gratitude, and love.
Turns out I don’t need you to be happy.
I am my own happiness.
It must be true that people turn stupid when they’re in love. I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe these feelings that I can’t contain. These intense emotions that ooze out of every pore of my glowing skin. These pulsating vibrations that shake up my insides and rearrange them in songs I can’t stop singing. All I can do is keep on using the closest approximations in my very limited vocabulary.
Amazing perfection, beyond what I ever dared to dream of. The most incredible, positive, happy, talented, creative, intuitive, ingenious, beautiful, understanding, expressive, thoughtful soul I have ever met.
That’s how I describe what I perceive.
Gratitude. Thank the universe, thank the angels, thank god, thank all the powers that allowed this to happen. And thank you, for taking a chance. For making an effort. For being open to possibilities. Oh for simply existing as the amazing person you are.
That’s how I feel inside.
It’s what I never knew I was waiting for.
What I was always too scared to hope for.
What I didn’t realise I was looking for……
And now that I’ve found you, the rest of my life, begins.
Nothing better than being extremely febrile (above 39°C) to keep you bed-bound, floating in and out of consciousness for days on end. Well, with the help of paracetamol and even stronger drugs that mummy gave me, I was only really feverish for about three days. Unfortunately the dehydration and exhaustion added a couple more days to what seemed like perpetual horizontal constraint.
Normally I’d probably be really bummed out that I’ve wasted so many days of my holiday, but this time, I used this opportunity to internally explore, experiment and examine the changes that had been quietly happening within. I have been wanting to do good in this world for quite some time, perhaps ever since my not-so-realistic dream of finding a cure for cancer back in my teenage years. Slowly through a winding path I’ve made my way to teaching the very young. Early childhood education not only fulfils me, sparks my passion, but also gives me unlimited scope to learn and grow. Yet, there is more that I want to do.
Starting with people around me, I’ve committed to taking my own advice as much as I could and leading by example. I’ve reprogrammed my brain to not only always see the silver lining, but actually believe in the positive. And with these thoughts, I was able to visualise my optimism spreading to people. I hope to reach people with warmth and brightness, and I hope to inspire them to find their own light, then make it shine for a brighter world.
Am I sounding delirious? Perhaps. But I don’t care. I’m gonna let my little light shine.