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Long to belong

[Day 41]
Auckland. I spent a mere 6 years here in my youth – that’s only one fifth of my life as of this moment. A lot of old family friends, “aunties and uncles”, as well as childhood friends’ parents, are here. These are the “grown ups” who have known me as a child, a teen. Every time I visit Auckland they welcome me so warmly with so much love it makes me realise why I still feel insecure and alone in the place that I call “home”.

Sydney. The place where I have spent most of my life living in. The place where I have learnt the most about myself, have grown, gotten educated, and learnt to take care of myself. I have met so many wonderful people here who are so dear to me. It’s hard to imagine living away from Sydney because of the life I have built for myself here. I love what this city has to offer – the beauty, the opportunities, the things to learn/see/experience, the people to meet, the food to eat…

But what it lacks for me, is family. Christmas, Chinese New Years, even birthdays… Always make me feel extra alone, small, and vulnerable. The more I “grow up” the more I see how important family is and how much I crave the warmth of one. I’ve always always appreciated the parents of my ex-boyfriends who welcomed me into their family… It meant so much to me, and I don’t think I ever expressed my gratitude… (If you’re reading, please thank your mums and dads for me). I also am really grateful for the friends who have taken me in during those lonely festivities (you know you are family to me).

You may ask – why don’t you go back to your family then Emi? Oh I do want to… But Taiwan is just not a place I want to live/work in. As much as I love Taiwan and its people… I need the variety that Sydney offers. Culture, language, values… I can’t go back.

A sense of belonging. If I have a family of my own here in Sydney, will I feel like I belong? Or will I feel more alone? As much as people complain about in-laws, I think I look forward to having someone else to call mum and dad. I know it will never be the same as your own parents, but if I should be so lucky to live close to them, I will put in the effort… to make them feel like family.

Seeing your childhood friends with their new babies and their new homes really does make you think a lot. I know people worry… But no, no regrets. I am where I am in life because of what I needed to learn. I can only trust that the angels will look after me, as I walk on, brave as can be, all by myself…

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[Day 37 minus 1] Once upon a time

Part of reflecting requires harsh, brutal honesty through which you pick off the old scabs, dig at the pink scars, and look at the bloody, ugly truth in your past.

I was once very proud of how much I could “sacrifice” for love.  I thought by placing the other person’s happiness (and convenience) first, they would see how much I loved them and would cherish me.  So I’d stay up to talk, even though I’d be micro sleeping all day afterwards.  I’d make my own public transport way just to save him “the hassle” of having to get me, even though it takes twice as long.  I’d do all the chores in their house, I’d spend my ridiculously tiny savings on them, and I’d put up with anything as long as it made them happy… Watch scary movies, stay home and do nothing, be everything that they wanted me to be even though it wasn’t really me…

It was an intense and heavy love.  Now that I look back, I am completely horrified.  Who wants someone that doesn’t know how to take care of themselves?  What a burden young Emi placed on her lovers.  How much pressure they must have felt to have my world revolve around them.  Who was I to judge what it was they needed and wanted?  Living in comfort and convenience never lead to much growth – why hold people back?  I wouldn’t date little Emi from 10 years ago… {Bless the brave souls that did.  Thank you for putting up with her.}

I am now much more in control of my own happiness and prioritise it.  I believe you have to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, spiritually) before you can take care of another.

I believe in living your own lives and sharing the journey together.  Your path is yours to walk on alone, but I can walk along side you on my path, and we can walk hand in hand without stepping over each other.

I believe in giving each other the opportunity to contribute to your happiness.  Allow people to do things for you – it will make both of you happier : )

I believe in sharing the work.  Life is dynamic, and you need to be there when the other person is down and vice versa.  Maintaining a relationship requires both parties to put in effort, and it won’t always be equal, but you should take turns in being on top ; )

Sure, I still believe in sacrifices and compromises.  But I am much better at gauging “the point of resentment” where I begin to keep something in my mind, write a mental list, and bring it up during the next opportune moment.  I don’t really like that or want to be doing that.  I don’t want to over-sacrifice or compromise that I start building a resentment towards the other person…

No longer convincing myself my happiness depend on another – I now believe in creating your own happiness so you can share it with others!

Perhaps it will come back… That type of sacrificial love often happens in a parent-child relationship.  But I will strive to keep reminding myself to be the one to stimulate, not sculpt.  Whether it is my partner or my children, I want to be part of the drive that make them want to be better.  I’d rather inspire than push or shove.  Allowing freedom to make mistake means no restrictions in how much they can grow.

I’d like to think I know better now.  I have grown to have respect for others, and respect for myself.  By putting myself first and making myself happy, I am liberating my love and giving it wings to soar.

Fly high Emi.

[Day 34] My Man

If I were less IT literate and always needed support…
If I were less self-medicating and always needed looking after…
If I were emotionally weaker and always needed comforting…
If I were less independent and always needed someone to lean on…

Would the universe perhaps then conjure up the man that I needed?

Is that why I am still alone?
Because I am better than fine,
I am thriving on my own?

But I don’t want a man who needs to be needed.
I don’t want a man who craves to be a saviour.
I don’t want a man who seeks a weakling.
I don’t want a man who settles for an inferior.

I have an intense, passionate, all-encompassing love for that man,
who sees me as I am.
who wants to take on the challenge of reciprocating this love.

A man who wants a partner in life,
Someone to face challenges with,
Someone to confide their weakness in,
Someone to inspire and be inspired by.

I want a man who loves this world, together we will bring it more joy than ever.
I want a man who has passion, in more ways than one it will resonate within me.
I want a man who digs deep, because I expect him to respond to my big questions.
I want a man who more than anything, is kind to others and kind to himself.

I want a man who I will be proud to call mine,
and I know he will be proud to have this bouncy loving free spirit to call his :)

.

P.S. Yes.  In case you were wondering, totally inspired by your lack of IT skills miss Mochi…… XD

P.P.S. Yea totally had this in draft ready to go for a lazy day :P

[Day 33] my rocky path

Twenty-fourteen has been an unusually sentimental year for me so far…

I don’t normally like to dwell in the past.  I prefer to think that I’ve already done my reflections and taken lessons away to become the better person that I am today.  I usually focus on the present and somewhat plan the near-future, but rarely do I look far back to acknowledge the damage I’ve caused (in my own life or otherwise!).  Perhaps it is the blogging; perhaps it is my resolution to share and be open; perhaps, it is because I somehow found new courage and reason to see my past messed-up self and truly accept it.  Whatever the reason, it seems the universe is in sync with my resolve, as I keep seeing and experiencing reminders of moments that I’ve long forgotten… or chose not to remember.

I was quite emo last night, thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made, and all those wasted effort and energy I put into bubbles that eventually burst into nothingness.  Basking in blissful sunshine this morning however, I decided that kind of self-loathing is not really me after all.  I have always defined my life with relationships (romantic and non-romantic), and marked time with connections I’ve made.  No, I have not been blessed with the luck to marry my high-school sweetheart and live a simple, stable life (oh how happy mum would have been!)  But I am blessed, with the warmth and the openness to have shared precious moments with multiple people who in that point in their life, welcomed me into their heart and reciprocated this passion to form meaningful connections.

I know I was given this rocky path to learn something that a simple straight road could not have taught.  So I will embrace it, ugliness, regret and all; I will see it as a blessing and grow stronger from it.  I guess there is still a lot more to learn, and so onwards I go…  Head held high, smiles bright, heart open — no fear.  Share in the beauty of this magnificent world with me, and trust in the divine powers to figure out the future which I know will only shine brighter.

The pathway to you.

The pathway to you.

[Day 28] Exposed

I guess I do bare a lot of my soul online these days… A personal choice and a conscious decision every time; I know it’s a lot more than what some might feel comfortable with.  I know some won’t even share these thoughts with anyone in real life – not to mention in a public web space…  I’m sure to some I am way, WAY over-sharing…

However, rather than keep myself locked up for the majority of people (who I don’t really know or care about)… I choose to expose myself so that those of you who do care, who do take the time to wonder what’s on my mind, have the privilege of finding out.  I don’t always have the time to update everyone who I would open up to… And this is my way of saying hey, thanks for thinking of me.  Life is throwing new things at me all the time, and this is what I’ve been learning.

Sure, exposing the inner-most emotions and raw reflections is bloody vulnerable and freakishly naked… But I didn’t shove this down your throat, you are reading this because you chose to! ;P  (And whoever you are, thank you for taking the time.)

I am far from perfect, but I pride myself in how I live my life (most of the time).  The positives and the negatives that I write about are all as real as I try to be with everyone…  Whether it’s my closest friends or a stranger I meet for the first time.  I believe life is about making meaningful connections – by consciously exposing myself, I am opening myself up for an exchanges of emotions, ideas, and energy.  If anything I write can inspire a new thought; dig up a buried past; or stir inner emotions…  Then this is worth it.

So I’ll keep writing, baring my soul…  Not only for my own therapeutic purposes, but also to stay connected, and make new connections.  Again, thank you.  : )

[Day 5] How I got here

Spent the night looking back at my blog entries… Sometimes I had been so cryptic that I can’t recall what I was referring to.  Other times, my *cough* eloquent insights (lol shhh excuse my obnoxiousness) surprise me and bring back emotions and memories long forgotten.  Most importantly, I’ve been shown my own emotional journey to become who I am today.  And it warms my heart so that I was lucky enough to go through the obstacles and face the challenges.

Four and a half years since I started here.  There was a lot of love, a lot of heartaches; a lot of convincing myself to be positive, a lot of reminding myself to be grateful.  I am glad to say, it worked!  I don’t think I’ve ever practiced gratitude as often as I do now; nor has positive thinking and happiness been ever so easy to choose.  Perhaps it is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it gets.  It still requires effort, but the pendulum is definitely swinging lower and slower than before.  When I choose to, I can always calm myself down and find that centre, where I am filled with love and gratitude and well-wishes for everyone and everything.  Realising this, I am in awe and so proud and thankful of how far I’ve come.  The memories of being an emotional wreck smells fresh as ever, but it no longer haunts me to revisit.  I’m glad to say, wounds have definitely healed.  I am more whole, more at peace, and more ready than ever to face whatever that may come.

Thank you… To all the people who had been a part of this journey. To all the people quietly keeping tabs on me. And especially, to all the people who supported me by letting me know they care. I don’t say it enough, but I really appreciate all the little comments you left here. It’s been so quiet lately I’ve forgotten how much you’ve helped strengthen me – thank you, thank you, thank you <3

And yes, I am trying to write everyday for a month. A blog a day… 5th day on and still going strong!

Take Flight

Officially entering the fourth decade of my life, I carry with me many, many treasures from the adventures lived.  I am truly blessed to have so much, yet I am humbled by how much more there is to learn.

The first thing I realised is that despite hearing from many 30+ year olds how their 30th was really just another day; how it is just a number; how it doesn’t feel any different… For me, it made a massive difference.  The source of it being the decrease in subconscious-stress level as I went from “OH-EM-GEE EVERYTHING IS ENDING!” to “hey it’s a fresh start and I-no-longer-give-a-xxxx”.  I am more relaxed, I felt like I could slow down, and I am much more…. fearless.

Why must I wait around for certain conditions to be met before I go after happiness?  I will take what I need and give back twice as much simply because I can.  I will be honest to myself and genuine to others.  I will aim to inspire.  I will travel.  I will be healthier.  I will be stronger.  I will be more compassionate.  I will grow wiser.  I will be more spiritual.  I will take more risks.  I will push more, give more.

Not on anyone’s schedule but my own.

And it’s made me so, so much happier.  I love it.

And yes, I will love.  Deeper, purer, and warmer than ever before – I will love my family, my friends, the children in my life, and of course, the man who is worthy.

The other thing I have already learnt in this new decade is the reason why I haven’t settled yet.  It’s because the man who I eventually settle down with is worthy of a much better version of me – he is simply just that awesome.  He has been waiting for me to grow, mature, blossom into the woman of his dreams.  If he hasn’t shown up yet, it’s coz I have been procrastinating too much.

So I’m gonna go ahead and do all the things I’ve always thought about doing.  Meanwhile, he might be doing some maturing of his own so he can keep up with this bouncy little me.

Point is – ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.  Free from the constraints I’ve placed on myself.

I am absolutely in love with the weightlessness of this new decade. ^______^