With each passing of a relationship, I mourn the memories of what had been and the possibilities of what could have been. I mourn the death of a unit that constructed the pronoun “us”. I mourn each habit that had been formed.
But the more experiences I gather, the more I come to realise I mourn for the other person as much as I mourn for myself. For they have forever lost the opportunity to have me make them happy. So I mourn for them, for they clearly have no clue as to the magnitude of the loss they had just incurred.
A connection with me, is one that will elevate and transcend your life; give you new meaning and drive; and bring you to new heights like never before.
So, I mourn for them. Mediocrity is a choice. Some people are just not built for this level of pursuit of lifelong joy, fulfilment, and happiness.
Onwards. You with your choice, I with mine.
When it boils down to being brutally honest with myself…. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the hurt of being abandoned/dumped suddenly. As much as I try to be brave and “love as though you’ve never been hurt”, the fear is there, the pain, still echoes. I see it of course, and every time, I ignore the fear as I plummet head first into the next love… Yet at the back of my mind I fear; and this fear of sudden abandonment, makes me want to tune up my sensitivity to any ‘signs’ that might warn me. This time, imma see it coming! Not gonna be blindsided again – says the little girl inside who is sick of being surprised in a bad way.
It’s hard to not take it personally when the one you love decides this is the end of the road – without any consultation or discussion. They made this decision on their own, claiming it all had nothing to do with me! From ex-girlfriends returning, to needing time to ‘find himself’, to figuring out they need a religious girl… Apparently the issue was never to do with me or our relationship. After a while I’ve come to understand this was true. It really had nothing to do with me. And sure, I’ve moved on. But the fear of relationships suddenly going down the drain remains.
I see now that this fear may always live in the back of my mind. Yet I refuse to let it rule me. I am still fearless when it comes to giving my all. I will present my heart with all the soft squishy parts, vulnerable at your disposal.
That is my answer to fear – I acknowledge the risks, and I will gladly suffer the consequences if shit happens. As battered and wounded as she is, my heart only grows stronger and more resilient each time. I know deep down that without risks, I will never have the type of love I know I need.
So don’t fear for me dear friends. It might be difficult to watch me fall again and again… I know you care, and that, is part of why I’ll always bounce back. : )
Found remnants of previous loves in the box I labelled “memories”. Letters, cards, words of devoted, heart-felt love. Love that’s come and gone.
Oh now I remember… there was an era where I indulged in being loved. I flourished in knowing without a doubt, that I was always a priority. I basked in their attention, glowed in the warmth and got away with murder with a smile.
Pages and pages of my diary written in pink of how lucky I felt. Ah yes. I was loved.
In fact, I was loved, a lot, in different ways, by different people. Many gave me their full attention, made me very happy, gave me great joy. So much so that I now no longer crave that experience. You know when you over-indulge in something, you stop craving it? Yea. I don’t yearn attention any more.
It’s not that I’m giving up on love. I would never. But I just feel like I have spent so much of my life and energy in searching and seeking romantic love, that it’s now appropriate to give that a rest.
I know what it’s all about already. I loved, and was loved in return. I’ve had my share of heart-breaks, and may have hurt some along the way too. I’ve experienced perfection. I learnt about communicating and compromising. I learnt to respect differences. I learnt about the importance of having matching values. Most of all, I learnt to let go.
No longer holding on to what “should be”, I’m cutting myself some slack. No pressure, no judgement. Just being the best that I can be and giving as much as I can. Single or not, I had already been lucky enough to experience more love than many. Somehow, that keeps me content.
Think it’s gonna take something really special to get me out of this widow mentality…
It must be true that people turn stupid when they’re in love. I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe these feelings that I can’t contain. These intense emotions that ooze out of every pore of my glowing skin. These pulsating vibrations that shake up my insides and rearrange them in songs I can’t stop singing. All I can do is keep on using the closest approximations in my very limited vocabulary.
Amazing perfection, beyond what I ever dared to dream of. The most incredible, positive, happy, talented, creative, intuitive, ingenious, beautiful, understanding, expressive, thoughtful soul I have ever met.
That’s how I describe what I perceive.
Gratitude. Thank the universe, thank the angels, thank god, thank all the powers that allowed this to happen. And thank you, for taking a chance. For making an effort. For being open to possibilities. Oh for simply existing as the amazing person you are.
That’s how I feel inside.
It’s what I never knew I was waiting for.
What I was always too scared to hope for.
What I didn’t realise I was looking for……
And now that I’ve found you, the rest of my life, begins.
It makes sense now, not just how our experiences have prepared us for each other; but also the continually growing, invisible threads that connect us to one another…
I have always believed everything happens for a reason.
Now I see, the reason is you.
Light as a feather and full to the brim, this is the reality to top all dreams.
Thank you for waking me up.
Everything is awesome ; )