A consistent theme keeps popping up. An unwillingness to walk away while things are still good. Must I always exhaust all the resources before I leave something I know isn’t gonna eventuate? What is this stubbornness trying to prove? I don’t need to have done everything – it is enough to know that they don’t want to, isn’t it?
Surely the one who deserves my devotion will be someone who returns the same fever of affection. Why not keep looking for that?
Oh Emily. When will you learn? Can it please be today?
Accessory to murder.
That’s what it feels like today as I slipped the knife into his hands.
But if he doesn’t cut the ties, nothing will ever grow.
Yet. It’s no excuse. I know. Guilty as charged.
It’s probably a good thing to have me worked up and angry. Otherwise the other option would be me – gone.
It’s so easy to get stuck in the negative, to dwell in the victim mentality and choose to hide in being irresponsibily indulgent in sadness, pain and self-pity (yes some call it wallowing). I may even use it as an excuse to be reckless, using alcohol, sleep or sex to numb the intense emotions.
It’s times like this the wishful thinking sets in; if only someone can come and yank me out of this sticky, gooey swamp of misery. And oh how I got lost in that train of thought. But at the end of the day I had to gather enough strength to remember: I am the most qualified expert of my own happiness. I have my own wings to fly me away from the deep dark entanglement of negativity. The only person who can set me free, is me.
Seems so simple when it’s written down in words, but it took heart wrenching awareness and brutal honesty to get back to here. I think this time around, I needed to remember to be gentle with myself. Be kind, and admit my weaknesses. It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to embrace my dark side. As long as I know where to draw the line… I know I’ll bounce back.
So I’ll remember to be grateful for all the amazing things in life, and I’ll appreciate the parts of me I worked so hard to form. I’ll make time to enjoy the things that bring me joy. And I’ll dress up to look my best. I’ll go see the movies I want to see, even if it’s on my own. I’ll dance the night away. I’ll treat myself with the good food and wine. Most of all, I’ll make sure I give myself time to reflect, breathe, and heal.
The struggle is, I know I am a person of extremes. With me there’s only ever two modes: it’s either radiant sunshine or catastrophic destruction; it’s absolute discipline or complete indulgence; it’s love or indifference; it’s all or nothing.
So no, I can’t have mediocrity. I will never settle for less than soul crushing. For I am a phoenix who will rise from burnt ashes. I am a super-saiyan, extreme trauma required for transformation. I am a diamond in formation, the more pressure I endure, the more precious I’ll become.
The universe will only pose challenges you are worthy of facing. So come at me with the anguish and pain. I’ll keep bleeding till I leak only light.
With each passing of a relationship, I mourn the memories of what had been and the possibilities of what could have been. I mourn the death of a unit that constructed the pronoun “us”. I mourn each habit that had been formed.
But the more experiences I gather, the more I come to realise I mourn for the other person as much as I mourn for myself. For they have forever lost the opportunity to have me make them happy. So I mourn for them, for they clearly have no clue as to the magnitude of the loss they had just incurred.
A connection with me, is one that will elevate and transcend your life; give you new meaning and drive; and bring you to new heights like never before.
So, I mourn for them. Mediocrity is a choice. Some people are just not built for this level of pursuit of lifelong joy, fulfilment, and happiness.
Onwards. You with your choice, I with mine.