Truth be told, I was quite scared to be in Sydney on this day. So I planned a holiday, to hide from all that’s messed up in my life this year. Mess, that I didn’t want to face, didn’t want to deal with.
For me, birthdays have always been a time for reflection. Naturally I’m forced to really evaluate all that’s happened since my last birthday. Yes I’ve made questionable choices this year. I’ve been isolating myself and pushing friends away. I’ve been less than honest at times and have allowed negative emotions to ride me down destructive paths.
Yet when I finally face all the things that hurt and accept the darkness as a part of what makes up the whole, I’m able to see clearer. This year has been a blessing. A year of change and immense growth. Moving away from the family house and discarding their belongings, challenging myself with a new role at work, picking up (and giving up) pole dancing, volunteering for lifeline, falling in love with Kizomba, and finally travelling to South East Asia… Goals were set and completed, I learnt, I grew, I’d like to say for the better.
I’ve been lucky. There was a time when I was falling. So much that getting out of bed became a problem on weekends. Yet a couple of weeks into that, renovations for the apartment upstairs began. There was drilling, hammering, loud enough to vibrate the walls. It physically pained me and pushed me outdoors, where sunshine and nature saved me by giving me enough motivation to start saving myself. Transition that pushed me back up.
It hasn’t been the easiest year, yet when I reflect back, I am humbled and amazed by all the people that have given me their time to connect with me. If it weren’t for the people who helped me move, I would be in way over my head and drowned in my family’s things. If it weren’t for the genuine smiles and conversations that happened throughout the year, my soul would have shrivelled.
So I’m grateful for all the people who have made the effort to share moments with me. To you it may have been a simple drink, or meal, or just a conversation in passing; but it may have been powerful enough to charge my faulty battery, carrying me to the next day.
For all the people who have connected with me deeper, I’m so grateful for the depth you’ve allowed yourself to go with me. I’ll admit I can be a pretty intense person, so thank you for fulfilling that craving to intertwine on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level.
For all the people who have shared a dance or two with me, please know that each dance is truly appreciated. It’s become such an important, uplifting part of my life. Thank you for making that possible!
As for all the mess that I’ve been in…. Well, I’ve come around to recognise it as character building. So all in all, a very valuable year. I just hope this next one doesn’t require as much struggle.
A consistent theme keeps popping up. An unwillingness to walk away while things are still good. Must I always exhaust all the resources before I leave something I know isn’t gonna eventuate? What is this stubbornness trying to prove? I don’t need to have done everything – it is enough to know that they don’t want to, isn’t it?
Surely the one who deserves my devotion will be someone who returns the same fever of affection. Why not keep looking for that?
Oh Emily. When will you learn? Can it please be today?
Accessory to murder.
That’s what it feels like today as I slipped the knife into his hands.
But if he doesn’t cut the ties, nothing will ever grow.
Yet. It’s no excuse. I know. Guilty as charged.
It’s probably a good thing to have me worked up and angry. Otherwise the other option would be me – gone.
It’s so easy to get stuck in the negative, to dwell in the victim mentality and choose to hide in being irresponsibily indulgent in sadness, pain and self-pity (yes some call it wallowing). I may even use it as an excuse to be reckless, using alcohol, sleep or sex to numb the intense emotions.
It’s times like this the wishful thinking sets in; if only someone can come and yank me out of this sticky, gooey swamp of misery. And oh how I got lost in that train of thought. But at the end of the day I had to gather enough strength to remember: I am the most qualified expert of my own happiness. I have my own wings to fly me away from the deep dark entanglement of negativity. The only person who can set me free, is me.
Seems so simple when it’s written down in words, but it took heart wrenching awareness and brutal honesty to get back to here. I think this time around, I needed to remember to be gentle with myself. Be kind, and admit my weaknesses. It is ok to make mistakes, it is ok to embrace my dark side. As long as I know where to draw the line… I know I’ll bounce back.
So I’ll remember to be grateful for all the amazing things in life, and I’ll appreciate the parts of me I worked so hard to form. I’ll make time to enjoy the things that bring me joy. And I’ll dress up to look my best. I’ll go see the movies I want to see, even if it’s on my own. I’ll dance the night away. I’ll treat myself with the good food and wine. Most of all, I’ll make sure I give myself time to reflect, breathe, and heal.
The struggle is, I know I am a person of extremes. With me there’s only ever two modes: it’s either radiant sunshine or catastrophic destruction; it’s absolute discipline or complete indulgence; it’s love or indifference; it’s all or nothing.
So no, I can’t have mediocrity. I will never settle for less than soul crushing. For I am a phoenix who will rise from burnt ashes. I am a super-saiyan, extreme trauma required for transformation. I am a diamond in formation, the more pressure I endure, the more precious I’ll become.
The universe will only pose challenges you are worthy of facing. So come at me with the anguish and pain. I’ll keep bleeding till I leak only light.