There’s a sense of new hope as I woke on the final day of 2015. The arbitrary calendar date somehow offers a symbolic permission to unload all the dread and anxiety I’ve carried on my shoulders this year. Despite the grand intentions set at the beginning, there were parts of the year that were just fucking miserable. Truth is in 2015, I reached one of my lowest points in life where there seemed to be nothing but self-loathing, denial, irresponsible self-destructive indulgence, self-doubt, and depression. And it was all my fault.
The lows made me fail to acknowledge the great events and achievements: moving out of the family home, volunteering for lifeline, managing chaos at work, remaining inspired in early childhood education and spreading the love, trying pole, discovering Kizomba, meeting new people and connecting with old friends, eating relatively well, pulling off graduation and making a crowd of parents cry, visiting Southeast Asia and seeing Ang Kor Wat…
Even as I go to list these events, my mind is constantly pulled to magnify the failures: the broken hearts, the harsh words, the let downs, the apathetic absences, the irresponsible inconsistencies, and the inability to remain committed to anything………
Ugh! I need an upgrade. I need to reprogram my brain so that the lens I see through, the words I use, the goals I set, and the way I connect with people are authentic, graceful, and nourishing for the soul.
2016 will be a humbling (yet ass-kicking) year for learning, looking inwards and increasing the frequency of my vibrations! I can do this. I have to. I will.
Why do we feel the need to bombard our conscious awareness and hijack our senses until we are overwhelmed – then call it “multi-tasking”? Multiple screens, music, the potential to be distracted with calls, messages, emails… It’s as if we’re afraid to open up, to lose what delusion of control we think we have, and to allow ourselves be vulnerable to this amazing world we live in.
Why is it so far out of reach, so incomprehensible, to quiet our minds, focus, on the task at hand, and just be present? No wondering about what to have for dinner, which emails we’ve yet to reply, those weekend plans, the never-ending to-do list, or the screaming messages on the phone. To stop thinking about what had been or what may become… and just be.
All we have, is this moment.
So I remind myself, to just walk when I’m walking. Earphones out, mind quiet, and be aware of my surroundings and my physical body as I travel on foot. The air flow through my hair, the pressure on my foot, the scent of rain, the dance of the shadows cast… To just appreciate the food I’m eating; to just dance when I’m dancing; just drive when I’m driving; just be the teacher when I’m working.
And to just stay still and let it flow through me, when I’m missing you.
This is my reality. I shall give it the utmost respect, by being present, no matter how much I want to run.
How do I become a better person? How can I elevate myself to shine brighter?
Focus. The in-between-the-scenes transitions that go unnoticed. Awareness. The unconscious breaths connecting memorable moments that linger.
Walk. Sit. Watch. Breathe. With purpose.
A state of fulfilment and abundance.
My early morning meditation. Everything starts from within.
Always maintained that I hated driving… Only recently have I discovered the close-to-two hours I spend in my little Mazda 3 is actually valuable beyond measures. This tiny little space where I am stuck with my own company somehow forces me to deal with whatever emotions that lurk just under the outwardly calm I display. Vowing to always be honest to myself, it is against my own philosophy to ignore what disturbs my inner peace.
A meditative state of floating in autopilot; a heightened sense of awareness. This is when my inner voice gets loud, and the internal dialog flow.
What do I want? Why do I feel the way I feel? What do I need to do?
And it always comes down to accepting how I feel, whether it’s anger, resentment, or plain loneliness; to just be aware, without the need to deny or defend it. It is what it is. I don’t need to judge myself, just to know and understand where it all came from.
Once I’ve processed the emotions, I find myself always reaching for the simple calm that comes with being satisfied, centred, and grateful. To remember that I have an abundance of love, experience, and possessions. To recognise that I am strong, I am capable, and I am willing to keep working towards being a better person. To be happy that I’m able to make a difference in the tiny bit of world I can reach. To have hope, that the future will only be brighter.
Driving has forced me out of procrastination and into a habit of reflective internal examination. As much as I’m tempted to ignore my emotional struggles and bury myself in being ‘busy’, I know this is for my own good.
No more running and hiding. Just deal with it and sort it out Emi!