I’ve always been drawn to the power of language and words. There are much more powerful forces in life of course, such as music, art, and more; but language, words, and writing, have always had a profound effect on me.
With the ease of access to the vast array of information out there, I find myself constantly searching through link after link, page after page, hungry for inspiration. Every so often I read something that prompts new connections to form in my brain. It makes me a little richer, a lot more grateful, for what is out there.
Then I came across Jason Silva, whose words are so eloquently strung they put me in awe. The way he speaks, the messages he tries to convey, the images he engineers… indeed, like he says, makes you have to “reconfigure, upgrade your mental schemata, just to accommodate, just to take in, the scale of the experience” (The Biological Advantage of Being Awestruck).
And what a blessing it is, to become awestruck, in the life that you lead. To see for a second how our miniscule singularity fits in to the infinite vastness of this universe, to connect with the vibrations that carry through existence; it lifts me up from the worries of my daily life and fuels me with the motivation and energy to become better. To do more, to improve myself, so I can in my own little way, spread the positive power I have been so blessed to experience. I will learn more, process more, so that I may one day, have the capacity to strike a little awe into others.
Meanwhile, I’ll learn to appreciate the little things in life. It shouldn’t take bigger, grander things for me to be in awe. I want to appreciate the amazement in the webs of a spider, in the shine of full moon, and the smell of the ocean. I will experience joy in the smell of coffee, the warmth of the sun, and the laughter of a child.
And I cannot help myself but to be awestruck, with the depth in your eyes, the gentleness in your soul, and the mind-blowing incredible awesomeness that is you.
I’ve been noticing a change in me.
Growing up, I’ve always been quite self-conscious… But I was blessed with friends that allowed me to be crazy; to let loose; to not care about what others may think.
Then I moved away from those friends, changed countries. And the invisible eyes came back to stare. I had a taste of what it was like to live carefree, and I’ve slowly worked my way towards it. Lately though, I noticed a breakthrough.
SING. I’m no longer afraid of breaking out in song when I please. Sometimes it makes other people uncomfortable, but come on, laugh with me!
DANCE. I rejoice in feeling the music with the movement of my body – beyond the confines of my room. It just, makes me happy : )
WRITE. I’m clearly comfortable in being over-sharing of the truth I see in myself. But hey, what’s life without the deep & meaningful and the connections they bring?
DRESS. I still like to dress-up (so much fun!). But I’m comfortable rocking dagginess with zero make-up too.
These were the things I had consciously thought about working on. Oh if only I had the courage, if only I didn’t care. Well, no more if only’s. I’m here. But wait, there’s a surprise for me. An unintended freedom to:
DRAW. I’ve always known how much I can’t – but it doesn’t matter anymore!
I recall as early as kindergarten how the teachers would come around and look at everyone’s drawings. I was always conscious of what they may say. I hated having to show them, unless I was really, REALLY pleased with what I’ve done (and even then, I clearly remember one time I was so proud… got totally shut down with an ‘oh that’s nice’). I was always comparing myself to others. There was never the courage to just create, I was only ever comfortable with copying something I knew looked nice – most of the time someone else’s drawing. Because I self-rated ‘not good enough’. Since I was 5. If not earlier.
That’s no longer the case.
Looking at how much joy the scribbles bring children everyday, it has rubbed off on me. All this time the mantra “it’s not about the end-product, it’s about the process” that I mumble to myself constantly, has had an unexpected profound effect on me. Who cares if I can’t do much more than a scribble. Who cares if you can’t hold a tune. If it brings you joy, it’s worth doing!
Oh the endless blessings of working with children!
[Day 56] joyous gratitude.
Twenty-fourteen has been an unusually sentimental year for me so far…
I don’t normally like to dwell in the past. I prefer to think that I’ve already done my reflections and taken lessons away to become the better person that I am today. I usually focus on the present and somewhat plan the near-future, but rarely do I look far back to acknowledge the damage I’ve caused (in my own life or otherwise!). Perhaps it is the blogging; perhaps it is my resolution to share and be open; perhaps, it is because I somehow found new courage and reason to see my past messed-up self and truly accept it. Whatever the reason, it seems the universe is in sync with my resolve, as I keep seeing and experiencing reminders of moments that I’ve long forgotten… or chose not to remember.
I was quite emo last night, thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made, and all those wasted effort and energy I put into bubbles that eventually burst into nothingness. Basking in blissful sunshine this morning however, I decided that kind of self-loathing is not really me after all. I have always defined my life with relationships (romantic and non-romantic), and marked time with connections I’ve made. No, I have not been blessed with the luck to marry my high-school sweetheart and live a simple, stable life (oh how happy mum would have been!) But I am blessed, with the warmth and the openness to have shared precious moments with multiple people who in that point in their life, welcomed me into their heart and reciprocated this passion to form meaningful connections.
I know I was given this rocky path to learn something that a simple straight road could not have taught. So I will embrace it, ugliness, regret and all; I will see it as a blessing and grow stronger from it. I guess there is still a lot more to learn, and so onwards I go… Head held high, smiles bright, heart open — no fear. Share in the beauty of this magnificent world with me, and trust in the divine powers to figure out the future which I know will only shine brighter.