There’s a sense of new hope as I woke on the final day of 2015. The arbitrary calendar date somehow offers a symbolic permission to unload all the dread and anxiety I’ve carried on my shoulders this year. Despite the grand intentions set at the beginning, there were parts of the year that were just fucking miserable. Truth is in 2015, I reached one of my lowest points in life where there seemed to be nothing but self-loathing, denial, irresponsible self-destructive indulgence, self-doubt, and depression. And it was all my fault.
The lows made me fail to acknowledge the great events and achievements: moving out of the family home, volunteering for lifeline, managing chaos at work, remaining inspired in early childhood education and spreading the love, trying pole, discovering Kizomba, meeting new people and connecting with old friends, eating relatively well, pulling off graduation and making a crowd of parents cry, visiting Southeast Asia and seeing Ang Kor Wat…
Even as I go to list these events, my mind is constantly pulled to magnify the failures: the broken hearts, the harsh words, the let downs, the apathetic absences, the irresponsible inconsistencies, and the inability to remain committed to anything………
Ugh! I need an upgrade. I need to reprogram my brain so that the lens I see through, the words I use, the goals I set, and the way I connect with people are authentic, graceful, and nourishing for the soul.
2016 will be a humbling (yet ass-kicking) year for learning, looking inwards and increasing the frequency of my vibrations! I can do this. I have to. I will.
And suddenly our trio’s down to two.
Perhaps it really is time to wake up and embrace change.
“Ready” will never come. Just a matter of committing to the choices we make.
Be brave. Face fears!
[Day 51] the sister we never had has moved out…