Tag Archive | freedom

Stop counting

It’s been three days since my last confession… I mean blog.  And it’s time to face the fact that this writing journey has been both liberatingly enlightening and dauntingly exhausting.  It’s great that I purposefully reflect upon each thought that stir and each emotion that surface; but it’s not cool that I’m putting off housework or work-work to write.

So I hereby lift the restriction after two months and deem my new year resolution of a-blog-a-day complete.  I’m granting myself the freedom to blog when inspiration strike, and the commitment to put in an effort of appreciation for the words that assemble.

Let’s see what happens : )

[ Day 59 +2 ] No more back-dating

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[Day 37 minus 1] Once upon a time

Part of reflecting requires harsh, brutal honesty through which you pick off the old scabs, dig at the pink scars, and look at the bloody, ugly truth in your past.

I was once very proud of how much I could “sacrifice” for love.  I thought by placing the other person’s happiness (and convenience) first, they would see how much I loved them and would cherish me.  So I’d stay up to talk, even though I’d be micro sleeping all day afterwards.  I’d make my own public transport way just to save him “the hassle” of having to get me, even though it takes twice as long.  I’d do all the chores in their house, I’d spend my ridiculously tiny savings on them, and I’d put up with anything as long as it made them happy… Watch scary movies, stay home and do nothing, be everything that they wanted me to be even though it wasn’t really me…

It was an intense and heavy love.  Now that I look back, I am completely horrified.  Who wants someone that doesn’t know how to take care of themselves?  What a burden young Emi placed on her lovers.  How much pressure they must have felt to have my world revolve around them.  Who was I to judge what it was they needed and wanted?  Living in comfort and convenience never lead to much growth – why hold people back?  I wouldn’t date little Emi from 10 years ago… {Bless the brave souls that did.  Thank you for putting up with her.}

I am now much more in control of my own happiness and prioritise it.  I believe you have to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, spiritually) before you can take care of another.

I believe in living your own lives and sharing the journey together.  Your path is yours to walk on alone, but I can walk along side you on my path, and we can walk hand in hand without stepping over each other.

I believe in giving each other the opportunity to contribute to your happiness.  Allow people to do things for you – it will make both of you happier : )

I believe in sharing the work.  Life is dynamic, and you need to be there when the other person is down and vice versa.  Maintaining a relationship requires both parties to put in effort, and it won’t always be equal, but you should take turns in being on top ; )

Sure, I still believe in sacrifices and compromises.  But I am much better at gauging “the point of resentment” where I begin to keep something in my mind, write a mental list, and bring it up during the next opportune moment.  I don’t really like that or want to be doing that.  I don’t want to over-sacrifice or compromise that I start building a resentment towards the other person…

No longer convincing myself my happiness depend on another – I now believe in creating your own happiness so you can share it with others!

Perhaps it will come back… That type of sacrificial love often happens in a parent-child relationship.  But I will strive to keep reminding myself to be the one to stimulate, not sculpt.  Whether it is my partner or my children, I want to be part of the drive that make them want to be better.  I’d rather inspire than push or shove.  Allowing freedom to make mistake means no restrictions in how much they can grow.

I’d like to think I know better now.  I have grown to have respect for others, and respect for myself.  By putting myself first and making myself happy, I am liberating my love and giving it wings to soar.

Fly high Emi.