Tag Archive | joy

Unexpected fearlessness

I’ve been noticing a change in me.

Growing up, I’ve always been quite self-conscious…  But I was blessed with friends that allowed me to be crazy; to let loose; to not care about what others may think.

Then I moved away from those friends, changed countries.  And the invisible eyes came back to stare.  I had a taste of what it was like to live carefree, and I’ve slowly worked my way towards it.  Lately though, I noticed a breakthrough.

SING.  I’m no longer afraid of breaking out in song when I please.  Sometimes it makes other people uncomfortable, but come on, laugh with me!
DANCE.  I rejoice in feeling the music with the movement of my body – beyond the confines of my room.  It just, makes me happy : )
WRITE.  I’m clearly comfortable in being over-sharing of the truth I see in myself.  But hey, what’s life without the deep & meaningful and the connections they bring?
DRESS.  I still like to dress-up (so much fun!).  But I’m comfortable rocking dagginess with zero make-up too.

These were the things I had consciously thought about working on.  Oh if only I had the courage, if only I didn’t care.  Well, no more if only’s.  I’m here.  But wait, there’s a surprise for me.  An unintended freedom to:

DRAW.  I’ve always known how much I can’t – but it doesn’t matter anymore!

I recall as early as kindergarten how the teachers would come around and look at everyone’s drawings.  I was always conscious of what they may say.  I hated having to show them, unless I was really, REALLY pleased with what I’ve done (and even then, I clearly remember one time I was so proud… got totally shut down with an ‘oh that’s nice’).  I was always comparing myself to others.  There was never the courage to just create, I was only ever comfortable with copying something I knew looked nice – most of the time someone else’s drawing.  Because I self-rated ‘not good enough’.  Since I was 5.  If not earlier.

That’s no longer the case.

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Looking at how much joy the scribbles bring children everyday, it has rubbed off on me.  All this time the mantra “it’s not about the end-product, it’s about the process” that I mumble to myself constantly, has had an unexpected profound effect on me.  Who cares if I can’t do much more than a scribble.  Who cares if you can’t hold a tune.  If it brings you joy, it’s worth doing!

Oh the endless blessings of working with children!

[Day 56]  joyous gratitude.

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[Day 34] My Man

If I were less IT literate and always needed support…
If I were less self-medicating and always needed looking after…
If I were emotionally weaker and always needed comforting…
If I were less independent and always needed someone to lean on…

Would the universe perhaps then conjure up the man that I needed?

Is that why I am still alone?
Because I am better than fine,
I am thriving on my own?

But I don’t want a man who needs to be needed.
I don’t want a man who craves to be a saviour.
I don’t want a man who seeks a weakling.
I don’t want a man who settles for an inferior.

I have an intense, passionate, all-encompassing love for that man,
who sees me as I am.
who wants to take on the challenge of reciprocating this love.

A man who wants a partner in life,
Someone to face challenges with,
Someone to confide their weakness in,
Someone to inspire and be inspired by.

I want a man who loves this world, together we will bring it more joy than ever.
I want a man who has passion, in more ways than one it will resonate within me.
I want a man who digs deep, because I expect him to respond to my big questions.
I want a man who more than anything, is kind to others and kind to himself.

I want a man who I will be proud to call mine,
and I know he will be proud to have this bouncy loving free spirit to call his :)

.

P.S. Yes.  In case you were wondering, totally inspired by your lack of IT skills miss Mochi…… XD

P.P.S. Yea totally had this in draft ready to go for a lazy day :P