I’ve been noticing a change in me.
Growing up, I’ve always been quite self-conscious… But I was blessed with friends that allowed me to be crazy; to let loose; to not care about what others may think.
Then I moved away from those friends, changed countries. And the invisible eyes came back to stare. I had a taste of what it was like to live carefree, and I’ve slowly worked my way towards it. Lately though, I noticed a breakthrough.
SING. I’m no longer afraid of breaking out in song when I please. Sometimes it makes other people uncomfortable, but come on, laugh with me!
DANCE. I rejoice in feeling the music with the movement of my body – beyond the confines of my room. It just, makes me happy : )
WRITE. I’m clearly comfortable in being over-sharing of the truth I see in myself. But hey, what’s life without the deep & meaningful and the connections they bring?
DRESS. I still like to dress-up (so much fun!). But I’m comfortable rocking dagginess with zero make-up too.
These were the things I had consciously thought about working on. Oh if only I had the courage, if only I didn’t care. Well, no more if only’s. I’m here. But wait, there’s a surprise for me. An unintended freedom to:
DRAW. I’ve always known how much I can’t – but it doesn’t matter anymore!
I recall as early as kindergarten how the teachers would come around and look at everyone’s drawings. I was always conscious of what they may say. I hated having to show them, unless I was really, REALLY pleased with what I’ve done (and even then, I clearly remember one time I was so proud… got totally shut down with an ‘oh that’s nice’). I was always comparing myself to others. There was never the courage to just create, I was only ever comfortable with copying something I knew looked nice – most of the time someone else’s drawing. Because I self-rated ‘not good enough’. Since I was 5. If not earlier.
That’s no longer the case.
Looking at how much joy the scribbles bring children everyday, it has rubbed off on me. All this time the mantra “it’s not about the end-product, it’s about the process” that I mumble to myself constantly, has had an unexpected profound effect on me. Who cares if I can’t do much more than a scribble. Who cares if you can’t hold a tune. If it brings you joy, it’s worth doing!
Oh the endless blessings of working with children!
[Day 56] joyous gratitude.
If I were less IT literate and always needed support…
If I were less self-medicating and always needed looking after…
If I were emotionally weaker and always needed comforting…
If I were less independent and always needed someone to lean on…
Would the universe perhaps then conjure up the man that I needed?
Is that why I am still alone?
Because I am better than fine,
I am thriving on my own?
But I don’t want a man who needs to be needed.
I don’t want a man who craves to be a saviour.
I don’t want a man who seeks a weakling.
I don’t want a man who settles for an inferior.
I have an intense, passionate, all-encompassing love for that man,
who sees me as I am.
who wants to take on the challenge of reciprocating this love.
A man who wants a partner in life,
Someone to face challenges with,
Someone to confide their weakness in,
Someone to inspire and be inspired by.
I want a man who loves this world, together we will bring it more joy than ever.
I want a man who has passion, in more ways than one it will resonate within me.
I want a man who digs deep, because I expect him to respond to my big questions.
I want a man who more than anything, is kind to others and kind to himself.
I want a man who I will be proud to call mine,
and I know he will be proud to have this bouncy loving free spirit to call his :)
P.S. Yes. In case you were wondering, totally inspired by your lack of IT skills miss Mochi…… XD
P.P.S. Yea totally had this in draft ready to go for a lazy day :P