After a few weeks of panic, anxiety, and being overwhelmed with the sheet volume of work involved in the move, I am physically removed from the nonstop chaos in Sydney. Finally, I’m able to take the time to rest, allow myself to just breathe, and let those stress hormones level out a bit. Underneath all the sweat and grime, is an ever-flowing, constant state of love and appreciation for all that’s happened and still to come.
It’s been such a whirlwind process; the aftermath still to be faced upon my return. Yet all along, I have been so very blessed, with great friends that have cheered me on and physically offered help. Really couldn’t have gotten where I am without them pulling me out of the state of defeat, steering me into the right direction, feeding me when I’ve neglected self-care, and of course, being extra pairs of hands and arms. So humbled by the kindness that people have shown. So very very grateful for all that had been accomplished.
I am so very very blessed… And though yet to come up with the HOW, I’ll make damn sure I give multitudes back to my dear friends and to this fabulous, kindness-filled wonderful world. My god you’re all awesome!!! Mwuahs!!!
To be lying on the hospital bed, watching the doctor teaching a medical student and explaining the suturing he was performing on my arm… Brought me all new respect for the medical profession. Thank you, for the rigorous training you endure to help the people in need.
Oh and was I in need. I’ve never been so vulnerable. An open cut on my forearm, deep enough to reach muscle structure. To see a hole in my arm that most undeniably was not going to just heal itself. It was a new experience for me at the age of thirty.
To understand the fragility of the human body… How easily I could have done a lot more damage… Had it been closer to my elbows, tendons. Had it been closer to my wrist, blood vessels. Lucky. I am.
And to have the nerve to stomach the wound; to stay calm and apply pressure after squishing the flesh back in; to be able to call for help, to have received help… Blessed. I am.
To have made this cut myself. Well. Careless. I am. Perhaps it was a lesson learnt the hard way for me, but hopefully it raises safety awareness in the micro world around me.
Life is fragile. Take care my friends.
This elated state of gratitude, for the love I saw and felt. This doubtless certainty, of how lucky and blessed I am. It goes beyond my logical understanding and physically affects me, warming me up, resonating and tingling from within. It lifts me up, in the gloomiest of weathers, and gives me the clear-blue-sky-joys that put a smile on my face from dawn to the darkest nights.
To me, the value of physical possessions are always outweighed by the thought and effort put in to making me feel the affections. It is less what was given or received, but rather, the intention behind it that gives it importance and significance. So when a boy spends half his allowance to take you out to dinner (I’m looking at you Alice), you know you are loved. When a man with a busy schedule prioritises spending time with you. When he drives a long way just to see you. When he gives up sleep for you. When a guarded heart opens up to you and allows you a peek or even a touch of the raw squishy parts; you know you are loved.
Oh and it is grand. No matter the size of the gesture – to understand the intention behind it, to see the effort, to feel the love… Every, little, thing. Each time you reach out to touch. Each time you ask how I am and actually care. Each detail you notice. Each second you allow me to see a little deeper. Each part of me you seek to understand. I have felt it, and now, I am embracing it.
Isn’t all that we want in life, to love, and be loved in return?
So what can I do, to give you the same in return? Do I put in an effort to make food for you? Do I dress up, or dress down to please? Do I buy you things you like? Do I drop my hobbies and interests to spend time with you? Do I compliment you and make my appreciations known? Do I listen, and take an interest in all that you are? Do I bare my all, clothes and defenses and boundaries? I’m not sure if these will do.
Perhaps I don’t push for answers when I’m dying from curiosity. Perhaps I give you space when I need warmth. Perhaps I make excuses when you need me to. Perhaps I entertain myself so you can sleep. Perhaps I stop keeping score. Perhaps I do my best to take pressures off. Perhaps I keep reaching when you keep dodging. Perhaps I admit my flaws and work on improving myself. Perhaps I learn to be discrete. Perhaps I remind myself to never take anything for granted. Perhaps I put on my brave face. Perhaps I pretend to be stronger than I am. Perhaps I even say goodbye.
And then perhaps, I spend Friday nights thinking and writing about it all…
I guess there are no answers now. But no one can take this away from me. I was loved.
Thank you, for letting me see it.