Yes we all know I lack patience. But somewhere along today’s discussion of what I want to do and what I need to
not do; I caught a glimpse of why that is (thank you Mochi!).
It comes back to fear.
The fear of losing control. I have no patience in “waiting”, because it means doing nothing. And I am terribly afraid of not being able to affect the outcome of what I want. I don’t know how to let go of the predetermined schedule in my head that dictates when and how things are supposed to happen. Why would I not do everything in my power to sway the results in my favour and just do nothing? I’m so scared of just waiting!
There’s also the fear of missing out. I’m afraid that if what I want doesn’t happen right now, it won’t happen at all. Which I guess is a lack of trust and faith in the future that stems from fear. I’m scared that something seemingly obtainable will disappear with time. Yet if ‘possibility’ is all in my mind – why should it matter?
How do I overcome these fears and find patience? How do I let go of the desire to control?
Through gratitude, suggested the oracle cards. Savor each moment, rather than hinge our happiness on some future goals.
Indeed, I have a lot to appreciate right now in my life. Slowing down will allow a much fuller, deeper experience of each step on this journey… Waiting is poetic if I see it through hope, taste each moment, and bathe in gratitude.
And so, life is beautiful and full of love again. This time, I will have patience on my side.
I love being an early childhood teacher. People often say to me, “you must have a lot of patience”. I think that’s always relative. Sometimes, there’s only so much you can do before you feel helpless and wanna white flag it.
It’s been a tough year with many challenges (already! I know!). One of the most discouraging is making me feel like I just can’t get through and I keep hitting a double brick wall, expecting it to crumble at my tiny fist… When I am in the comfort of my own home I know that frustration is self-inflicted. It stems from my own values, judgement, and expectations of how a three-year-old should behave. Sure, she is the only child who will climb on everything to get to the teacher’s things; sure, she is the only child who continues to drink from every water-bottle but her own; sure, she is the only child who continues to take plates full of fruit pieces, have one tiny bite out of each and scrape it all… She is three, but unlike her peers. I need to remind myself that she is an only child who grew up in a household with no boundaries, where she is provided with endless options of toys, food, clothes, and parents apologetically lets her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.
I know that it is my own perspective and my own expectations that need to change. Don’t get me wrong, she is absolutely beautiful when she gets one on one attention – smart, coordinated, great communicator. However in a class of 20+ with three staff, we can’t always spare one staff to give her that attention. She has been in the centre since she was a baby and she is a full-time enrollment (5 days a week), which means it is difficult to always have new things to engage her in.
As a team, we really are trying everything we can think of. At least we have each others support, and the support/sympathy of other members in the centre…
Just my low energy whinge for the day.
I am still grateful that I have this challenge to keep my mind active and my patience practiced! Lots of room to grow.