One of the most important qualities we all need to foster is the ability to be kind to ourselves and recognise our strengths. Recently I have come to acknowledge one of my own strengths as the ability to stay calm under stressful situations. Slicing my arm open, and caring for a disfigured broken arm on a four year old. Pretty damn stressful. Yet my ability to logically assess situations and remember facts was not affected one bit. I handled each situation to the best of my ability and would not have done anything differently.
Sometimes I think children naturally seek comfort in me when they are stressed because they can sense that calm and are drawn to it. I don’t tend to respond emotionally (at least not outwardly) to situations and can empathise without losing my own composure.
Yet I’ve wondered if this calmness repels the opposite sex… I know I had one ex who complained that I was too calm during “disagreements” and wished that I would just yell at him! (You know who you are!) However I figured it’s just another filter of mine to sift out the ones who aren’t for me. After all, I am a rock, I can’t be swayed easily, pushed around or manipulated. I’m dependable, especially in times of stress. And my man, will appreciate all of this and love me for it.
You may question, does this calm cool logic mean then that I’m too collected to be ecstatic and excited? Sure, I might not always be the loudest to laugh at a joke… But my calm composure is just another hat I choose to put on. When I feel safe enough, I most certainly have the power and choice to take it off.
And let the inner child come out to play.
Three years ago, my deepest fears, were the fear of asking for help, fear of depending on someone, and the fear of being a burden to someone. Looking back, it was a fear of trust. All of the above, required me to have faith, and trust in someone else to be responsible for something in my life. The thought of that terrified me, because I was insecure about my own abilities, and I was still constantly proving to myself how strong and capable I was on my own. I needed to prove to myself that I can handle anything life throws at me. I thought asking for help would define me weak. I thought I would be loved less if people saw me as troublesome.
Now I see clearer.
Asking for help when I need to, IS being strong. It shows that I know where my limits are, and I’m not afraid to admit my weakness to others.
Depending on others, taking their time, efforts and sharing their emotions, is exactly what the important people in my life deserve. They deserve to see the pieces of me that are tender and weak, and they deserve to see what’s behind these guarded walls of mine. Through trust, I am free from my old fears. Through having faith in people, I have restored my confidence, and it strengthens me to know that I am supported and loved.
Just so grateful, that people let me in and let me lean on them… Thank you my dear friends.
Waking up to blue skies…
Gratitude fills me up with strength again.