This elated state of gratitude, for the love I saw and felt. This doubtless certainty, of how lucky and blessed I am. It goes beyond my logical understanding and physically affects me, warming me up, resonating and tingling from within. It lifts me up, in the gloomiest of weathers, and gives me the clear-blue-sky-joys that put a smile on my face from dawn to the darkest nights.
To me, the value of physical possessions are always outweighed by the thought and effort put in to making me feel the affections. It is less what was given or received, but rather, the intention behind it that gives it importance and significance. So when a boy spends half his allowance to take you out to dinner (I’m looking at you Alice), you know you are loved. When a man with a busy schedule prioritises spending time with you. When he drives a long way just to see you. When he gives up sleep for you. When a guarded heart opens up to you and allows you a peek or even a touch of the raw squishy parts; you know you are loved.
Oh and it is grand. No matter the size of the gesture – to understand the intention behind it, to see the effort, to feel the love… Every, little, thing. Each time you reach out to touch. Each time you ask how I am and actually care. Each detail you notice. Each second you allow me to see a little deeper. Each part of me you seek to understand. I have felt it, and now, I am embracing it.
Isn’t all that we want in life, to love, and be loved in return?
So what can I do, to give you the same in return? Do I put in an effort to make food for you? Do I dress up, or dress down to please? Do I buy you things you like? Do I drop my hobbies and interests to spend time with you? Do I compliment you and make my appreciations known? Do I listen, and take an interest in all that you are? Do I bare my all, clothes and defenses and boundaries? I’m not sure if these will do.
Perhaps I don’t push for answers when I’m dying from curiosity. Perhaps I give you space when I need warmth. Perhaps I make excuses when you need me to. Perhaps I entertain myself so you can sleep. Perhaps I stop keeping score. Perhaps I do my best to take pressures off. Perhaps I keep reaching when you keep dodging. Perhaps I admit my flaws and work on improving myself. Perhaps I learn to be discrete. Perhaps I remind myself to never take anything for granted. Perhaps I put on my brave face. Perhaps I pretend to be stronger than I am. Perhaps I even say goodbye.
And then perhaps, I spend Friday nights thinking and writing about it all…
I guess there are no answers now. But no one can take this away from me. I was loved.
Thank you, for letting me see it.
It’s been three days since my last confession… I mean blog. And it’s time to face the fact that this writing journey has been both liberatingly enlightening and dauntingly exhausting. It’s great that I purposefully reflect upon each thought that stir and each emotion that surface; but it’s not cool that I’m putting off housework or work-work to write.
So I hereby lift the restriction after two months and deem my new year resolution of a-blog-a-day complete. I’m granting myself the freedom to blog when inspiration strike, and the commitment to put in an effort of appreciation for the words that assemble.
Let’s see what happens : )
[ Day 59 +2 ] No more back-dating
Running out of hours in a day to write with! Not enough time to document and digest the information before new progress is made. Evidence of planning, of critical reflection, of pedagogical practices… I have everything in my head but it takes so long to process!
More eloquent thinking to transfer into writing.
Oh how I do love having endless things to write about. A blessing and a gift from all my little angels that walk this earth. Thank you for being my motivation to keep writing!
It does make me a little weary of how my brain retains information though. Being so used to having to dump info regularly and focus on the new… I am a little afraid that if I don’t document my personal life it will drown n perish in the memories of work… What was said where when and how… Sometimes all I can remember is who made me feel what way. Is that enough for me? I want to make an effort to record all that impacts and changes me; I want to have time to reflect and reposition myself; and I want to share my digested insights with whoever that will listen.
More writing, less procrastinating.
[Day 50] done.